I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He better not be in your backpack
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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