Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
