apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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