i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize
