So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Randomize
