I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
