I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
