Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
