The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
