is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize