There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
