The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
