24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
