I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
