just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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