You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
