my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize