So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
