Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
