She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
the gays at disneyland are vicious
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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