I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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