u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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