I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
