My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
