why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize