I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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