She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
