So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
