Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Panties = found
Randomize
