guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
