You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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