I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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