So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
