You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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