omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
