I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
