i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
