is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
