theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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