my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
