you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
