When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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