Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
