so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You're a waste of cheezeits
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Randomize
