totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Even my vagina gasped.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
