I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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