i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
my liver is dry heaving
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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