I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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