I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
