Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I am midnight drunk by noon
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
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his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
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I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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