Are we in a gay sports bar?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
