I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
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I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
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I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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