Do you still have your period?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
