just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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