When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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