Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕