i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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