And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother