Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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