I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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