My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
